I've been struggling for months now with a decision I made years ago not to have any more children. It's not easy to say, but I believe I made a mistake. At the time I honestly felt I could be a better mommy to 3 children then I could be to 4.
At this moment right now I want to have another baby. Wes and I have talked about it, and while no firm decisions have been made we are still leaning towards the "no" part of the conversation.
You see, to have another baby I would need to have my tubes "un-tied". It doesn't come cheap, and it is NOT covered by my insurance.
When I mention to people that I am thinking about having another baby, they look at me like I am crazy, (I don't necessarily disagree) after all I have three wonderful and healthy kids. But...somewhere, not so deep inside me I am feeling the gentle tug on my heart strings...and it's saying "momma". I've tried to put into words to friends as to why I would invite more chaos into my already crowded household. It was my husband who actually made sense of it for me. For weeks now we have been discussing it, and he has been trying to make me see that I just want the baby part of the child...and that they grow up and are only little sweet babies for a few months. I was actually thinking he was right. So, he was reminding me of midnight feedings, teething, tantrums, diapers, and of course child birth. Please understand I am in no way disillusioned about this! I, after all am the one who got up EVERY single time with all three children for EVERY single feeding and middle of the night diaper changes. I am the one who went through the actual pain of child birth and the joy of my "milk coming in". I'm not really sure how he thinks I have forgotten any of this?! Trust me, my mind and body remember well. Wes then turns to me and says to me, "you like the chaos don't ya? You like the mess and the crying and the dirty diapers don't you?" I laughed when he said it, but he hit the nail on the head! Sure I remember the moments (vividly) of not showering until 8pm at night because I just didn't get a moment to myself, and lugging children to pediatrician appointments and then screaming at them the entire ride home because they had acted up. I do, I really do. I remember the smell of spit up knotted in my hair, and looking for a binky on the floor under the crib in the middle of the night because the baby had once again for the 10th time that hour dropped it and was crying again. And trust me there are moments still now where if you were to knock on my door and give me the right offer I may give you one of my children so I can remember what silence sounds like...but at the end of the day, I wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, I like my "me time" my time with my friends. It doesn't make me a bad mom or any less of a mom by getting away from it for a few moments here and there. Even those who love their jobs don't spend EVERY moment there.
I've been really watching my kids these past few weeks and trying to understand why and where this feeling to have another child has gotten so strong in me. It's not just because my kids are no longer babies. I like the crazy life! For as many times that I look into the rearview mirror of the minivan and yell at the kids to start behaving, there are other times when I look in the rear view mirror and see one more tiny head back there acting up with his/her brother and sisters. I love the big family dinners and the wild trips as a family to the store. I love the giggling on a Saturday morning when the kids are all playing together.
I love Charlie for the way he tries to act all tough when really inside he's still so young. He has such a fragile heart, and I have to remember to tread lightly with him because as much as he wants to be the "big guy" he is still just a momma’s boy at heart, and deep inside he wants to know that's ok.
I love Meaghan for her moody pouts and for her love of life. Meaghan is wise beyond her years. Her wisdom is my proof that there is more to this life after death. A soul like Meaghan's could never cease to exist. She is so tender hearted and has such a beautiful nature she makes me want to be a better person. She's the oldest 6 years old I know!
Caitlynn...I love Caitlynn for being my shadow. She's my mini me, out of all 3 kids I would have to say she is the most like me. She is my reason for wanting another baby. Our time together at home just the two of us has made me see how much of Meaghan and Charlie's life was a blur to me. She is my reason for slowing down and taking time to smell the roses. She ironically has been the one to show me that I am a wonderful mom to three and could do it just as well with 4.
My three kids came so quickly into our lives; I think I missed some of the fun moments. I was so caught up in the day to day events I forgot to take a look around and see how blessed I really was. I complained too much of the noise and the mess and didn’t realize that in the blink of an eye it would be gone. Whatever decisions we come to I know it will work itself out. I am grateful that I can look at my kids and hear the whining and fighting and still understand that I need to appreciate it before it's gone in the blink of an eye.
So as I tucked my kiddos into bed tonight I narrated a bed time story to them with such passion it would have left Katharine Hepburn speechless, I cuddled them close smelling their freshly washed hair and told them just how much mommy loves them. And with matched enthusiasm they told me how much they loved me, and in the end that's all that really matters to me.
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